Jo Knits!

H, for Halloween

I love halloween, it's just one of those holidays that don't cost us much but that makes the kids so happy! :)

Today they went to daycare in the morning, it was adorable to see all the little friends dress up and even the caretakers were dressed up. The kids then went trick or treating around the community center, the elders had a special holiday lunched served and were so happy to see the kids all dressed up. The kids all got candies to bring back home. :)

Being that the wireless keyboard isn't working anymore and that a keyboard missing letters N and B just pisses me off. LOL! I bought a new keyboard today, hey it's a PRIORITY! Ok? ;) So I could have bought a boring regular keyboard, but call me bold, I didn't. I chose a translucent blue keyboard, it's made by Yahoo or at least has a special Y! button. I found the blue cute, makes me think of when the 1st IMac came out. This keyboard does "click, click, click" when I type though! I wasn't use to the sound anymore but I'll survive, since it's sooooo cute! ;)

As a special treat for supper we were invited at McDonald's by my mom. The kids got dressed up again, this morning Zoe was a friendly witch and Lucas a clown. Then this evening Zoe was a "fisherwoman" and Lucas a magician. We had to think up of costumes that easily go over their winter coats. It was so cold but the kids never complained about it, they were dressed very warm. The excitement of the day probably made the cold more bearable too. ;) OH! Carl went as a mechanic! lol! I didn't get dressed up, maybe next year.

We only trick or treated on two streets, we usually do about 4 streets. We did get plenty of candies, almost the same amount as the previous years. I think people were pretty generous or they were freezing so wanted to give out all of their candies quickly! LOL! We had a BLAST!!!! It was somuch fun, for the 1st time in Zoe's 3 years of trick or treating, Carl was not working so he got to come and have fun with us. He got to see how excited his daughter was at each door that opened to give her candies. She was eager for Lucas to walk faster so she could ring at the doors. She'd whine when kids would run past her to get at the doorsteps quickly and then she'd loose the pleasure or ringing the bell. She did patiently wait until we got home to eat a few treats, 1 small bag of chips and 1 mini-chocolate bar. After 90 minutes of walking outside Lucas was tired and Zoe decided she had enough. It was ok, still early enough that we could've gone a few more houses but she was happy with what she got. The loot included a total of 58 mini-chocolates, 12 small bags of chips or cheese sticks, 96 cents and plenty of candies.

The memories of this year's Halloween will be happy ones. We all had a great time and the kids were so happy, it was nice to see daddy running from house to house with them too. He couldn't wait to start trick or treating today. ;)

Lucas fell asleep at 07:30pm!!! Now, THAT'S a miracle, he did walk all that time and he usually sits in the stroller when we go out shopping or from point A to point B. We did realize that he's quite the walker and will have to let him walk more from now on. People are impressed when they learn how far Zoe will walk. She can walk more than many adults I know, without even whinning about it. We all like to walk, well when dh met me, he had to learn to like it! ;) We walk to everywhere we want to go, it's either you walk or you stay home. We don't have a car by choice and also by the fact that no one has a driver's licence here. Carl does know how to drive though. I took a driving class once but I am truely a passenger person, too dangerous for others when I'm behind the wheel.

Well now it's my turn to be eager to jump into my bed to go SLEEP! lol! ;) All this walking outside in the fresh air, luckily I never got cold either, I did have my hat and mittens on. If only I could knit my own mittens, maybe they could match the scarf I'm making! :) The scarf is finally looking more than just a sampler of different stitches. LOL! Once I decided what I really wanted to do, I didn't feel like ripping out all the rows I had already made. Anyway it will be a checker textured scarf, knit 4, purl 4 with knit 1 on both ends, pretty simple, I've decided that doing so for 6 rows makes somewhat squares, they sure didn't look like squares after 4 rows. Anyway now I'm alternating, after the 1st six rows I'm now doing purl 4, knit 4 and still knit 1 on each side as a slim border. So that is today's knitting content! :)

Off to sleep, tomorrow I need to run out and find any super sales of mini-chocolate bars. Those are GREAT pick me ups when:00 PMSing! HAHAHA! ;)

hugs,

S, for Surprise

Well yesterday afternoon I spent it with Carl. The kids were at daycare and I wanted to get the chance to talk more with dh before he'd eventually come home.

Being that we were downtown I suggesteed we go to a yarn shop that I'm been meaning to go at. WOW! That place was full of yarn, even saw some Plymouth Galway 100% wool and some funky Regia sock yarns. I was impressed by all the colors on each wall. But, there's always a BUT, right? LOL! For one there was this HUGE dog in the door when we came in. Thank goodness dh was there. LOL! He played with the day while I was drooling over the yarn. That dog was big, a St-Bernard I think it's called. Anyway I'm not really dog friendly, especially with BIG dogs. We asked the lady about bamboo circular needles, she has none, she feel they aren't worth the money. Well at least she knew what I was talking about! LOL!!!! I was tired of having people look at me as if I had 3 eyes because they never saw bamboo circ. needles. SHEESH!

Oh oh OH!!! Did you know that on tuesdays, Second Cup (that's a chain of coffee shops) has a special. An ever so yummy special too. Vanilla lattes are the price of regular coffee. Man, I sure wish I knew about this promotion before, the lady at the counter said that yesterday was the last time. Oh well, she said soon there will be another promotion. I just love vanilla in anything I can get my hands on.

I didn't buy anything at the yarn shop, I felt intimidated in there. There were people in there that had their knitting projects and would ask questions about them, it was impressive to see sweaters about the finished. I'm ot making sweaters yet! ;)

Carl knew of a yarn place and he wanted to bring me there, he was sooooo excited. We walked by a huge park and the fall colors were so beautiful. As we were walking I told him how anxious I was of his "new" life was making me feel. He is working on himself and I'm afraid that might not include me... He said that isn't what's happening that he wants us to become a stronger family than before. He wants to invest time in rebuilding a better family base and build strong relationships with the kids. I suggested that he waits until at least next monday to start looking for a job. He needs the time off and the kids need daddy home. They can't just see him running off right away.

Oh yeah, that other yarn place, was the BEST place!!!!! I fell in love as soon as we got in. It's a place where you can choose the fibers of your yarn and they roll it up for you on cones. These "yarns" are not twisted together, it's more like many threads together. That makes it easy for them to create the yarns in any color and content combination you want. I bought some 50% acrylic/50% wool yarn. It's for 4,5mm (7US) knitting needles. Then you pay for the pound, do you realize how much it makes to get to a pound? WOW! A kitted sweater takes about 1lb10oz. Which comes to about 12$Canadian (so that makes it even cheaper for you American friends) ;) You can even go in the store, tell the couple your project(hat, sweater, whatever) than you needle size and they'll make up a yarn perfect for it. It's so cool! :) They even make 100% cotton mixes to knit up dishcloths and stuff. They colors were great, not like I've ever seen in stores. When knitting with this, the effect gives a tweed look, so tension variations or missing stitches don't show up as much as on regular yarn. I'm totally loving the experience with it! The couple owning the store were so nice. I think we stayed there an hour just talking about anything and everything. I bought a book too, it's in english! LOL! It has 1500 different stitch patterns, very cool.

So anyway, after buying this new yarn at a VERY cheap price, I can't believe how much I have. I bought 3 different colors and each were about 8-10oz. so the price was more than affordable. Anyway, now I wanted 4,5mm needle since I don't have any. LOL! We went took the bus, the subway and then another bus to finally end up at WalMart's where we had just been the previous night. LOL! I got my bamboo needles after all! ;)

I called home when we were there and I let Zoe talk to her daddy, WOW! She was asking him if he was coming home that night, if he'd sleep at home and so many questions. I could see how just talking to Zoe overwhelmed him. His eyes were beaming and at the same time I could see that he was sad. I talked to Zoe once more and told her that YES, daddy would could home tonight. He was so happy and so was Zoe.

Man I couldn't walk the hour it takes from WalMart to our house fast enough. Dh was almost running. LOL! We had talked about going to the movies earlier but man, that went out the window when he knew he'd see the kids last night. I was so proud!

As soon as I unlocked the door, the kids were screaming, they were in the tub, my mom was giving their bath. Daddy had to sit down and give it to them instead. Let's just say they didn't go to bed early. ;)

I was apprehending Zoe's reaction to seeing her father but she couldn't have been more thrilled.

Now I'm late to leave the house. So I'll update later on.

HUGS! :) I started kitting a scarf for myself too! :)

P, for Peace

I'm on an old keyboard, the cordless got water all over it! :(

Today we got 3 hang up calls, every hour another call. It was scary, I didn't know who it could be, I thought maybe it's Carl. I was so afraid I didn't go take my shower after the last call. My mom had just left with the kids and being alone with these hang up calls still happening I was afraid to stay alone in the shower. I kow SILLY but I was genuinely scared.

I was chatting online telling a friend about these calls when a taxi stops in front of the house. The driver gets out and leave a letter in the mailbox. Oh my goodness, what is this!? I look at the enveloppe at right away I recognize Carl's handwritting.

I am bawling, it said to Jo and those I love (Lucas, Zoe and MIL) I open the letter and right away check the pages, there are 4 of them, it had a phone number at the end of it. I call it... dang! it's not answering. I read the 1st page, I try to call again at the number, the phone's off. Read more, call again. Hello!? Phone goes dead on the other end. ARGH! I now, take the time to read the whole letter bawling over each sentences.

He was the one making the hand up calls, he was trying to talk but hearing the kids in the background would choke him up and he'd hang up. I call him again, finally the call goes through. Are you still in the area, I ask!? He is and we arrange to meet in a while. Well ok, now I can go take my shower without fearing another hang up call. Oh my God, I don't know what to think, scrubbing soap all over body, man what will I tell him? Quick rinse, get dressed and called him yet again. Ok I'm ready, let's meet at the park. I bring some tissues, I know we'll need them.

I walk quickly but also in fear, what if he's not there? How long should I wait for him. I feel so sick to y stomach, I want to throw up. Soon enough, I'm at the park, where is he? ACK! I don't see him, what to do, what to do, I'll walk around the park and then we'll see. OH! He's sitting right there... I'm across the street from him. WOW! He's changed, I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks. He's lost weight in his face. Anyway I cross the street and walk up to him and stop 15 feet from him.

I can't do this, I just can't. I start crying right then and there and walk off the trail and "hide" next to a tree. I try to compose myself and go back to sit on another bench in front of him. We both cry, I never saw him cry from emotions. The only time I saw him cry in the 5 years we were together was over a movie we saw. It take so time before I can even say a word. We start talking and eventually he comes and sit right next to me on my bench.

We talk so long that we even begin to freeze! LOL! So I suggest we go take a coffee somewhere and then on our way, I ask if he's hungry. We decide that lunch would be nice, we are both hungry. By the time we get to a restaurant it had been 3 hours we've been talking.

We had a whole lot to talk about, a few times he had outbursts of tears. I talked to him about when Lucas was in the hospital, everything I felt when we were there, all that happen. He told me what he was doing on his side for the past few weeks. He thought about suicide more times than I can imagine. ;( He told me that he was about to go for it the night our friend paged him that Lucas was in the hospital. That's when he realized that he wanted to live for his kids, he wanted them to have a dad and be proud to have him as a dad.

We will be talking more tomorrow and he will see the kids the night of Halloween. I don't know if it's a good idea but I can see that he misses the kids and I think it will be good for him to see them. I don't know what the future holds for us but that letter he wrote me opened my eyes to something I had never seen. We will need much talking, luck and prayers to get through this. Then we will see what happens.

That's my update for today, it has been a long and very emotional day.

As for knitting content, none done today.

'night.

E for Emotions

Today was a BAD day, I cried almost all day. ;-( I realized that Carl ain't coming back, I know it's silly but hey he's my kids father. Of course, I'd like to be the picture perfect family but I know it can't happen either. I just wished he gave us some news. Where is he, how is he, safe, hurt, hungry, healthy? Ok, so maybe I should stop worrying but what can I say, I don't want him hurt either. He did hurt me but the kids might want to know who there father is as they grow up.

I felt down, getting personal attacks really hurt me and I think I will be leaving the computer off a tad longer from now on. It did give me a new perspective on how strongly some of my friends feel about me. In a sense this mess made me realize how lucky I was to have them. (waving to Crystal and Tori!) ;-) Crystal is my online best buddy, we chat everyday and all day! LOL! Well... many times a day, she's the 1st one I say hey to in the morning and often the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. We have kids of similar ages and her daughter is only 4 days younger than Zoe and her son is 4 months older than Lucas. She has a wonderful husband who I seem to always say lame stuff too. LOL! ;-) Now on the other Tori, LOL! She's just Tori. ;-) A very strong willed girl that will make her way in life. Even if obstacles gets in her, she'll step on them with her combat boots and make sure to reach her dreams. :-)

The knitting part of my day didn't go to well. For the past two days I've been trying to finish off this hat. UGH! It's not going well, each time I switch to Double Pointed Needles I seem to loose many stitches from the DPNs. I'd then go back to my circular needles to redo that last row and switch to the DPNs. Then loose stitches and just GIVE UP for the day. Why is knitting not on my side today? That's like the day I tried 5 times to cast on 72 stitches with the cable cast on. That didn't go to well either! LOL! I did wise up and just go the easy way with a long tail cast on. Of course now my "baby" hat fits my 3yo so that's not perfect either but Zoe likes it at least.

Today I received nice emails! LOL! One I totally didn't expect and was really nice to read. Thank you to the writter, you really did make me smile. Knowing what you wrote makes me feel better about "issues". The 2nd email well... :-D THAT made me grin. LOL! Two days ago I drank a beer, my 1st one in probably 6months or more. It got right to my head and I was in a happy mood. A "friend" of mine had his birthday this past week and I emailed him. The beer gave me the courage to do it. LOL! I wrote a friendly email and have been obsess with checking my emails for the past 48hours. When I totally not expect it, I see he replied. It was nice to get a reply. LOL! It made me grin. I did not tell him that Carl left. I didn't feel the need to do so. I might in a future email, I don't know yet. This is someone I would like to be friends with, we haven't seen each other in 20months and then before that it had been 3years we hadn't seen each. We spoke/emailed about 3-4 times in 5years. LOL! So I can't say we are close but I can say that I don't way to get too close. "It" just won't happen. He was in my past and the story will stay in the past. I would like a friend though, I don't have many and he makes me smile.

We'll see, we'll see. I should email him back maybe? I don't know yet, I will wait a few days because I don't know what to say yet.

I miss having someone who makes me smile though...

Tomorrow I'll succeed in finishing the hat. Lucas needs a hat too! LOL!

Tonight the kids were having fun dressing up, Zoe is soooooo eager to get candies on Halloween. :-) I can't wait for the candies on sale starting the day after! LOL! I love to stock up on the mini-chocolate bars. Great sweet pick me ups! :)

hugs.

O for Oprah!

Man, my guest book is just like a show of Oprah! It's almost getting as juicy too! LOL!

Dear fellow PSP fans. I have NEVER blamed you for my unhappiness!? Why do you all feel so concerned? I left the group by my own personal choice. No, you never did pressure me into anything. *I* pressured myself into making the lessons on time. Sheesh! It's sooo easy for you all to post in my guestbook but how conveniant it was that you left out your email addy's. So God forbid I'd like to talk to you all more about my reasons for why I left your group.

If I annoy you so much why do you keep reading my journal? Why does what I write take so much importance to you? I wrote a few days ago: "I've unsubbed from my main Paint Shop Pro yahoogroups. No more pressure to provide 2 graphics a week." I've unsubbed from 3 other PSP groups in that same week. Funny how only those from one small group came over to my diary to post how made they are at me.

So if I didn't have this diary, I would've spared you all from this madness, right? Save yourselves and stop coming by to read all about my whinning and unhappiness. I can only imagine how much happier your lives would be without having to obligate yourselves to keep up with my boring life. HA!

On a brighter note, my day! :) Had to morning to myself, it felt good. I went to a crafting store and found some 100% Merino wool, it's still at the store though! LOL! The colors weren't as fabulous as I would've liked them. After the hat I'm knitting, I'll finish Lucas's hat and I think I'm going to knit myself a red hat! :D with BIG pompoms on it! LOL!!!!

I wrote an email to someone last night! Oh my Gawd! I'm soooo nervous, hope I get a response to it. I'd be dancing on cloud nine. lol! On the other side of the spectrum. No, still no news from the kids father. So now it's been 2 weeks without any news. I'm starting to think he's disappeared for good. It'll be hard to raise the kids without a father figure. Hopefully the kids godfathers or "uncles" will become more present in our lives. I know how important a father figure could be to Lucas in a few years. For now he's pretty content having mommy close by! LOL! Yeah he's still nursing! ;)

We had a picnic tonight! Put a blanket on the living room floor and we have club sandwiches and fries. It was a real party, woohoo! lol! Zoe was sooooo happy to party. ;) Lucas was sitting in the center of our blanket, he was excited to eat fries. Now we are abut to bring out the futon and kiddy mattress to the livingroom. It's camping night! Woohoo we are sooooo wild! LOL!

Hot cocoa and knitting by the computer, who can think of a better evening? ;)

hugs to those I love.

P for PSP!!!

Well after reading my guestbook entries, I didn't receive my notices. So I didn't know anyone had written something.

Anyway... I see that I wrote something that made at least 4 person mad! WOW! All in one day... Tori, I guess I didn't get what you were saying, sorry.

Paula, Jan and Ali. I don't even recall what I wrote about 20forPSP, did I even write the group's name? Where does it say your group was the only one I was in? I am truely sorry if I hurt you in any way with my personal diary entries. This is a place where I sort out my feelings, write anything I want to make me feel better. Did I judge you in anyway!? Did I say you all didn't have any problems in your lives? I felt overwhelmed when Carl left us. Taking the time to open Paint Shop Pro and working on something became too much for me. Instead of not saying anything I left the group, I was behing in the lessons and instead of staying behind trying to catch up, I quit the group. I though it was the fair thing to do! I never thought it would make you all mad though.

I just don't get why I received 3 messages full of negativity when all I did was for the best of everyone. I used to have the time to do the 2 lessons a week AND the WET! Did you all not see that in the 3 months I was in the group? It's weird how 3 friends posted similar entries in only 20 minutes time. I never thought I made you all that angry by leaving the group.

Since I'm not in the group anymore, I hope you won't waste your time with me again. WOW! I'm so stupid I can't even understand what 2 lessons a week means. I never said you didn't have fun in the group. Why did you all posted stuff like that? This online diary is about ME, not you! I didn't judge any of you for the time you put in your art. I'm the one who quited because I felt I needed to quit.

Man, I'm so mad that no one took the time to even email me or chat on AIM. It's so easy to gang up with friends and just slam someone while they are down.

Didn't I even write that I may come back to the group when things were going better? Well I sure don't feel the same way now...

Off to cry myself to sleep 'cause I'm just some stupid chick who deserved to be left by her fiancé, RIGHT?

XYZ.

You know why I like to take my shower? 'cause I can cry all I want and nobody knows.

Anyway I found an old computer disk with emails I wrote in 1997! WOW! It was soooo weird to read them. It was when I'd go out on wednesday nights at a male stripper club. LOL!!!! Oh dear, reading back these emails made me feel like I was right there and then for a second. I remember those times so clearly and my memories and just like the emails I had written. Oh to go back in time, just for one fun filled evening! ;) I changed though and it would probably be disappointing as I'd expect the same level of fun I used to have. Nowadays it takes only one beer to get me tipsy and back then I'd drink alot and get waaaay tipsy! LOL!

Guess you can't go back in time just for a night. I can't seem to get out of the mommy role I'm now in. Even just for a few hours, I still always think, worry about them. I sure wish I could just relax and think of myself for a while but it's hard when you have 2 depending on you. One day they'll be all grown up and I can return to a male strippers club if I want! HAHAHA!

I wish I had news from Carl... well I don't! Ok, I DO! ARGH! I sorta secretly want to get a sign telling me he's ok. I keep watching the news, just in case. Ideally I'd get a letter in the mail with his key in it, letting me know he's with another woman. LOL! Then I could blame the whole world on her. :P I wish he would write that he loves his kids, so that I could tell them but I can't. Two weeks since he's disappeared and I can't just tell them that daddy loves them 'cause sincerely I don't know!

It's hard to be in this big house that I grew up in and see that I'm now here with my kids and my mom but no boyfriend. Luckily he didn't leave me stranded with a rent somewhere. My mom's rent is more affordable. ;) Why did he leave us? Why on that day? Was it something I said? Probably, since last time I saw him I was in his face BIG time. So I guess it's all my fault but he never said anything. He just left, he must've prepared himself 'cause he probably brought some clothes and his cigar box is missing. I bet I'd find it in a pawn shop. :( My mom and I bought him the cigar box last Christmas. ;(

I'm afraid to call the credit card companies and here that I'm stuck with the bill. I don't want to hear that, I couldn't bear it since most of his purchases I never saw. :( He screwed us big time, he's an awful person. He's the father of my two lovely kids though, I can't believe they'll grow up without knowing there dad. I grew up without a dad, he died when I was nine. It was hard, for my mom and for myself. It took many years before I accepted it, I can only imagine how Zoe and Lucas will feel when they hit the teenager years. They'll shove back in my face how daddy left...

We'll see, I'm young and the future can be a bright place, I still need to "see" that and believe it.

1 hat down, 1 hat to go.

I love knitting!!! :)

M, for ME!

Just an ordinary day. Went to my mommies "let's chat while the kids play at daycare" group. It was fun, I did talk a tad bit about Carl. People are making me realise that he has planned his disappearance act for quite some time. I need to wake up and "see" that.

I'm still in some sort of denial. How can you just pack up and leave your kids behind!? I still expect that he'll knock on the door at any time. I'm always afraid when I hear the door bell. I'm hoping that if he does pop up at the door that Zoe won't see him. We need to talk before he gets to see the kids! UGH! I try to shake it off but it's hard to think we have vanished from his mind. You can't just forget yur family in an instant now can you?

I need for him to tell me it's over, I need for him to give me back his key to this house. I need closure, I want to move on with my life and not hope that maybe at Christmas he'll knock on the door and have gifts for the kids. I need a sign from him to tell me that he won't be there for them. I need something! Of course I could be the one to decide that it's over but I can't even tell him that since he's no where to be found. UGH!

I need to call that social worker and she can help me plan my future. It's silly but I don't feel like calling her just yet. Maybe tomorrow! LOL!

Hey!!!! I finished Zoe's hat!!!!!! I am soooooo proud of myself and it doesn't show in the pic but she was as excited as can be! :-)

1st pic is the unfinished hat worn by Lucas and 2nd pic is Zoe forgetting to smile for the camera! LOL!

S for Snow

WOW! This morning we woke up to quite a surprise. Snow!!! Not much but just enough to be called the 1st snow of the season and to get the kids hyper! LOL! Zoe was ready to go make snow angels and I had the sad job to tell her that by the time we'd find her snow suit the snow would be all gone! ;-)

So I got on the mission to knit my little girl a hat. She chose her own yarn yesterday at the store and she got all exciting as I started casting on the stitches. I found the pattern online and luckily I'm using the yarn they suggest, what a nice coincidence. I am knitting on circular needles though so I'll have to ask a few knitting experts how to finish the hat. ;-)

Last night someone wrote an open letter directed to me in her online diary. Ever since, I've been thinking about it. I don't get the sense of the message, am I suppose to feel bad about it? I never knew someone was holding a grudge for an event that happened 3 years ago. Who knew a child couldn't have 2 godmothers? I sure didn't. I never said that you, Tori, couldn't be important in my kids lives. I mean Lucas's godparents saw him maybe 5 times in 20months and he isn't even baptised yet! :-( I don't think important to have a title to be close to kids, they could care less. Look they have a daddy that just left them, doesn't mean that he's less important but it doesn't mean that he's important either. Anyway the people the kids are closest too right now are me aka MOMMY, mimi aka my mommy! and the workers of their part time daycare. The kids love them. They aren't family but they are the sweetest peole ever. Even the receptionist is loved by the kids, she even kept Zoe overnight while Lucas was at the hospital.

Anyway, I'm sorry you feel bad but get over it. I sure am starting to feel good now, about myself, about life and about the future. I can't help if you feel jealous but don't waste energy over that.

Back to me! LOL! I have knitted more than half of Zoe's hat! I'm hoping to finish it tonight! She'd be sooooooooo excited and then I'd be the BEST mom ever! teehee! :-)

Knit 2, purl 2.

S is for Smile

:)

For the past week I've been going to sleep around 10pm, I sleep at least 10 hours a night. It feels GREAT, I have so much sleep to catch up. I don't just wait up for Carl anymore, since now I know he won't come home, so I go to sleep earlier. No need to stay glued to the computer anymore. I've unsubbed from my main Paint Shop Pro yahoogroups. No more pressure to provide 2 graphics a week. I'll do PSP when I feel like it.

I've been knitting alot too, nothing is coming out of it though! LOL! Maybe it does help me to relieve the steam in my head though. I'm still working on what was to be Carl's scarf. Guess it'll be mine now but I don't like it! LOL! It's only a basic garter stitch scarf but the yarn is scrachy and I want to start Theresa's knit-along darn it! LOL! We're making felted blocks. I found some 100% wool yarn at the non-friendly sewing/yarn shop. I can't wait to go to a real yarn shop! There's one I want to go but have to wait until the kids are at daycare 'cause they'll go crazy running around touching every yarn! LOL! Just like me but I'll try to be more civilized! ;)

This week will be a nice busy week. I like busy, keeps my mind busy. So I don't go into a slump and do the "poor me" number. I don't want to play victim, of course some days are tough and I get mad and think about Carl out partying and what not. At least I'm around my kids while they grow up and won't have to play catch up to learn who they are when they grow up! I can go to sleep with my conscience at ease that I'm doing my best to educate my kids! Also I am taking "parenting" classes to help me become the parent I'd like to be. Controlling anger, learning about how discipline can actually be a good thing! lol! ;) The classes are good for me, I get to see and talk with other moms and the kids get to play while supervised.

So this week my mom will be busy with her friend's move, she's leaving for Italy! :( So my mom will be over at her place to help with the move. Monday and Tuesday are her last 2 days there. I'll be at the daycare tuesday:00 PM for a class, wednesday:00 AM to volunteer and go to the mommy group, thursday:00 PM is my crafting class and maybe friday I'll have a spot for the kids and I'll get a lil'break before the weekend. While I'm at the daycare, I don't care for the kids care, so that's nice and it gives them a chance to socialize with little friends and I get a well deserved break.

Today we might go to the public library and bring back Carl's books. ICK! I know it's not my responsibility but if he never comes back, I don't see why others couldn't benefit from the books he took. Anyway they are boring and I wouldn't even keep them if I could. LOL!

So that's it for now! Gonna go dance to Dorothy the Dinosaur song. The Wilgges, woohoo! ;)

hugs,

H is for Hilfiger!!!

Today is saturday, pretty boring if you ask me. I don't particularly like weekends now that Carl isn't coming home. The stores get too crowded and then they close too early and everyone is in a hurry too. People get impatient and impolite and I just don't like shopping on saturdays! LOL!

This morning we get a surprise phone call, Zoe's godmother has offered to take her for the afternoon. What!?!? 8-O Now talk about a surprise this is the 1st time that Zoe is leaving for the afternoon with her and her boyfriend. Her bf really likes kids and has just a way for them to like him. It was exciting that Zoe would spend the afternoon with them, she was very excited about it too! :-)

I went shopping with my mom and Lucas! LOL! UGH! It was funny though, I haven't gone shopping with only my mom and Lucas since .... Wait!? Did Carl ever keep Zoe all alone? Sigh! Lucas was really nice at the overcrowded stores, we even got to buy a few groceries for the next days. Come back home and we see that Zoe is across the street and Valerie's parents. I go to get her and learn that she was really nice, GOOD! They went to eat at St-Hubert and she ate well, got some peach smelling gunnies and ... !?

"Mommy, Godmother bought me a sweater and overalls" Oh really!? Then I see the bag and Zoe takes out the clothes. My jaw dropped, these are Tommy Hilfiger clothes!!!! I could NEVER buy them new, the only 2 pieces of Tommy I have are from the 2nd hand store. I was just in such a shock, I couldn't say words! LOL! I mean, WOW! They kept Zoe for the afternoon, brought her by car with them at about an hour away from home to a well known ski resort city. I just never expected that she'd receive anything more than a free meal! LOL! They left at 11:15am, so the meal was sorta predictable! ;-)

They went to an outlet store that sells Tommy clothing! Man, I sure wish I could go shop there too! lol! The places you can go when you have a car... I'm just such a ditz and driving a car wouldn't be safe for my family! lol! I am really happy that Zoe got the opportunity to spend time with her Godmother though. Her and her boyfriend have really been involved with us since Lucas went to the hospital and that they learned Carl had disappeared. The day we got out of the hospital they came to get us for the ride back home, they provided us with a meal and have just been there for support.

In a way if Carl were still here, Zoe wouldn't have gone today. So good things do happen to those who go through hard times.

Today is raining but I'm slowly getting into the groove of being a single mom. Thankfully my mom is very present in our lives 'cause I couldn't do it all alone either. I'm still poundering over getting a job or studying or !? I need to think quickly though so things can start to move, I will soon need money for basic necessities but for now food is covered and I'm happy about that.

Tomorrow we might eat out! woohoo! Sort of a new "tradition" we'd be starting! LOL! Being that weekends are boring, I thought a cheap fast food supper on sundays would make the end of the weekend exciting! :) We'll see, it's not like I have a whole lot of extra money to spend, it's more that a little excitement in life can be good for the soul too! :)

hugs,

new day

Well, I'm not sure what to say today. I guess we are starting a new life for ourselves. No news from the kids father, I sure can't keep calling him my boyfriend but "the kids father" seems so cold at the same time. Oh well.

Today the kids are on a special day at the daycare, they stay from 08:30am to 03:30pm, it happens once a month. Zoe's group have gone to the Botanical Gardens to see the pumpkin exhibit. I'm sure she'll have alot of fun. They'll go by bus and come back by subway too. Hey for a bunch of 3-5yo's it's exciting! ;-) And here I am typing in my online diary. I just don't know what to do.

I had planned so many things but then my life just flipped over and changed all around in the past week. I want to get all of Carl's stuff out of the way, seeing it all around the house pisses me off. It'll be good for me and the kids to not see it. Yesterday afternoon I talked with someone, she told me if Zoe asks for her dad I can simply tell her the truth. "I sincerely don't know where he is but if you want you can me him a drawing for the next time you see him." Also we can build a little mailbox together and write daddy "letters" and when he comes home, he'll have a whole lot of letters to read. I thought that could be a good way for Zoe to deal with her feelings. She also suggested that I draw my anger instead of screaming or hitting the walls, 'cause well the walls don't care if I hit them. LOL! Anyway it's a way to show the kids how to deal with anger too. I've been taking the anger class 2 times now and still need help dealing with it! LOL! Yesterday we had a class about discipline, that was good. I really like her "parenting" classes, I do think they help me become the parent I strive to be.

Next week there's a new class starting, it's called "there's no one perfect" and we learn about all sorts of aspects of being a parent. Should be interesting!

I thought of going to a yarn shop today but it's far and was hoping to go with my mom. Mom's busy, she's helping an old friend pack up her stuff, she's moving to Italy very soon, like by the end of the month! It's sad 'cause she was like a grandma to me and we've known this lady and her husband for more than 10 years. I will miss her and they aren't getting any younger. Basically we won't be seeing them after they leave the country! :(

Now as for the future. Should I go back to school, find a job, part time or full time or live off the government! LOL! Ok that last option is more like a joke! ;-) I do need to start thinking and get a move on things, I can't feed my kids with money I don't have. Well.... I do have enough money monthly to feed my kids but I need more money to live. I can't expect my mom to spend money she doesn't have either! Man, I feel sooooooo foolish to have paid one of Carl's bills last week, if only I had known he wasn't coming back. It was 160$ that I just put down the drain to help him! UGH!

Also did I write about Visa? Well I'm stuck with his bill, my name was on his account even though I only bought a few times with my card. It's so hard to "start" a new life knowing I've got a huge credit card bill hanging over my head. Makes me sick that Carl left all this to me. I will call his other credit cards and let him know he's a dead beat buyer, they can go run after him 'cause I sure don't know where he's hiding.

I'm gonna go knit something! LOL! Get that steam out of my ears and then MAYBE I'll go pack his shit in a few garbage bags. We don't need the constant reminder that he's not here and still stumble upon his junk.

Nah! I'm gonna go start a load of wash, cloth diapers need to be cleaned and I'll go surprise my mom back raking the backyard! I'm such a sweetie! :-D She's gonna think I flipped! TEEHEE! But what can I say, I'm starting to realize how much of life my mom sacrificed to bring me up all on her own. (My dad died when I was 9) So off to play in the leaves.

Wonder what I'll eat for lunch....

hugs to all.

dead beat dad

(I wrote this someowhere and just copy and pasted it here, too lazy to type up a new post right now!)

Well... it's over. 'My fiance has left without a trace, he got his pager number turned off and a friend traced his last phone call which is from a public phone. So basically who knows where he's at.

Last night Zoe started crying, this is the 1st time that she is crying over the fact that daddy isn't home anymore. She's seen him wednesday for 10 minutes and that's the last time she's heard from him. I told her how daddy wasn't sleeping at home anymore and that he loved her VERY much. She asked if maybe daddy was at the arcade playing video games, if we could go see. By this time I'm bawling too ;-( (as I am right now, just typing about it!) Zoe's not used to see mommy cry at I don't think she knew what to do. Thankfully we live with my mom and she tried to get Zoe to play with a game.

It's so hard to have to explain to Zoe what's going on, Lucas can't show us really how he feels but he says "papa" throughout the day, sometimes he even calls me daddy. Everyone keeps telling me I'm only 25, that's so young, I still have my whole life ahead of me. Well yeah, I'm young, people still want to talk to my parents when I answer the door! LOL! But it's hard to see that the future will be happier.

It's so hard to realise that dh doesn't want to be found. He turned off his pager either monday or tuesday, as a friend had paged him sunday night. So now I can expect no child support. Every little bit helps right? I can't believe he just bailed on us and left us to "dry". No money, no nothing.

His junk is starting to piss me off all around the house. There's a basket full of his dirty laundry and I sure ain't gonna wash it. UGH! I got proof that last month when he said he was out of town, it was a lie. How do I know this!? I found a bill from the pawn shop, he was right in town and he went and pawned his prized CD player. Now I wonder how much stuff is at the pawn shop. I can't just go there and buy it all back either. Pawn shops are really under strict laws, so anyway my engagement ring is probably in one of them. I was thinking of giving it to Zoe when she was 16yo or something, as a special token. Well noooooo, 'cause her freakin' daddy probably pawned it! :-(

UGH! I'm gonna go throw up, I feel ill.

H is for Hospital

Hey everyone!

We just got back home!!! Saturday we went apple picking and Lucas was running around and fell on a rock and bumped his head. Then in the bus (it was an organized parent-kid outing, dh did not come as promised. So he is now considered out of our life!) he was being the little monkey he can be. So I thought he was ok, someone on the bus told me not to worry, so that's what I did. When he napped I'd check on him but I wasn't to worried. Then all night he'd throw up every hour and in the mornong after a nursing he threw up 4 times. I knew something was wrong then. I took a shower with Lucas and then let him play in a bath while my mom looked over him. He was a very happy camper while in the tub.

I called the clinic just to be sure and they said to go to a clinic and not worry. I thought she way wrong and called 911, we don't have a car and I really wanted someone here to reassure me on Lucas. The ambulance came and they said straight to the hospital, Lucas threw up again in the ambulance and we started passing every red lights on the way. That's when I really got scared. We got at the hospital at 09:30am, wait and by 11am Lucas has a "thing" installed so they can directly IV him if needed. He hates this "ep lock" (I'm not sure of the name) He threw up just as they were installing this, so he was in a lil'hospital gown. It made him look even sicker! :( Then when I heard him cry, I completly lost it. The week's event just all came back to mind and I had to leave the room and they were doing the "lock" on Lucas. I had to keep Lucas from nursing until they could check him out and it was so hard to tell me little boy No! to nursing. :( Let me tell you that I started to talk to higher powers from that moment on. I was mostly thinking of my deceased grand mother and was hoping she was there to help me through this.

After more wait I get news that Lucas will have a CT scan, that sounded so scary. After a few hours they give Lucas the oral med for the scan, well it went out as fast as it went in. So they had to give it to him again rectally. By then he was fighting to fall asleep, he had just napped before this. I'd hold him and dose off when he did. We were both exhausted from the night we just had. The scan lasted a whole three minutes, I was on a potty break and when I came back it was already done! LOL! At 5PM we got admitted and went to our room. The nurses were GEMS, they all had a love for kids. Lucas had to sleep in a crib that had like a reversed tub over it! It was awful to look at it, he got scared when he saw it. He finally was ok to nurse and fell right asleep, so I put him in that crib and begged the nurse for something to drink, I had a MAJOR headache. I had only drank a glass of apple juice all day. She gave me a food tray and asked if the child's father would come by. WAAAAAAAAAH! There I went bawling like a baby. Poor nurse, she didn't know what she had said to set me like this. (I had paged dh earlier to let him know I was calling the ambulance for Lucas and he never called back.) Anyway, my mom arranged for Zoe to sleep at a friend's place and she came to see me at the hospital. I couldn't eat anything, nothing would stay in my body, each time I ate and I had a potty run only minutes after. I still had a big headache and got some tylenols.

My mom had to leave at 10:30pm, Lucas woke up on and off through the evening, would nurse, drink apple juice, throw up. Then he slept a full 6 hours and so did I! WOW! It felt so good but by 4AM he wouldn't got back to sleep. I forgot to say that he was checked for blood pressure and pupil reaction each hour, even when sleeping. Then he cried two hours before crasing again at 6am. Luckily we had a room alone so I wasn't too worried about waking anyone up. We slept one more hour and then it was up for the the day. More puking and nursing.

9:30AM, the CT scan is negative aka all is ok but he is still vomiting and they wanted to keep an eye on him. His vitals got better as the day went by. Sorry if I don't remember all the hours, I've been lacking off sleep and can't remember even the simplest things at this time. My mom came to the hospital around noon and my appetite has been doing better. Last night I could only drink a coffee as nothing else looked appealing to me, I felt so sick to my stomach, heart and cried myself to sleep.

Today was a great day, Zoe came to the hospital with my mom. She got scared when she saw Lucas sleeping in the crib and didn't want Lucas's IV to touch her. He got 2 bags of IV and by this afternoon you could see Lucas was a new man. Yesterday after his scan medecine he walked very wobbly, that scared me so much. Today he was almost running, I had to walk pretty fast holding the IV machine! LOL!

So basically, we got to leave around supper time, Lucas still hasn't touched any food for like the past 2 days but he's been holding breastmilk down! The neurology nurses always gave the OK to nurse Lucas, they said even if he vomits it, it's the best stuff he could have! They were a great support to me and have arranged for a social worker to contact me tomorrow. I have learned that a friend has paged dh and has talked to him. Dh did not ask more details about Lucas being hospitalized, so I guess he doesn't care... ;( Lucas has been sleeping for the past hour, I hope that tomorrow his appetite slowly returns. That little guy, scared me alot but at the same time gave me something to be thankful for on our Canadian Thanksgiving day.

I'm sure I forgot to say half of what happened. LOL! Please don't check spelling or any intelligent stuff, my brain is numb and I'm off to sleep. Thank you for all the positive thoughts! I wish I could've updated earlier but I had no access to any computer. My mom tried her best at updating Crystal but then she came over to the hospital so no one could update her.

hugs and good night!

~Jo~

another day

I didn't update last night because he never called.. Of course... So there I am lying in bed wondering if he'll call or come to sleep home or what?

Then 03:30am, Zoe throws up in bed 3 times! ICK! Luckily, I sleep right next to her bed so I heard her, I can only imagine if I didn't hear her. Anyway, I clean everything and by miracle Lucas never wakes up from the commotion. Then I get MAD, (of course!) why can't he be the one doing the cleaning? Why is it that men have it "easy" by leaving their home and the moms have to take care of all. Why can't they just get responsible and take care of those they love? Zoe wanted to talk to daddy at 03:30am, I paged him FIVE times. I guess he was busy... Poor Zoe she had left him a message on his pager at 9pm and he hadn't called back for that either. I can see that she's really affected by the situation.

Then this morning, I page him, well shockingly he calls back. Apparently he couldn't before 'cause they are working on a big building and he slept on a "crane"? like 450" in the air. He talked to Lucas on the phone and Lucas was hugging the phone, (it's been 20minutes ag and he's still hugging the phone!) Zoe was still sleeping so she didn't get to hear him. He said he'd call back.... he BETTER, I told him Zoe REALLY wants to talk to him.

While on the phone I asked him a few questions, does he want to come sleep home tonight? (-maybe) Does he want to move out? (-well, should I? he said) I even asked if he wanted to move out with the kids and I'd go see them on the weekends. He said "yeah, that might be a good idea!" WHAT!?!?!? When you're home you can't even resist giving them candy everyday and you "forget" to play with them and you never take time to remember to brush their teeth. You want to just move out with them? UGH! No!

I'm so miserable ;-(

p/s: Thank you Shannon for your words. :) Hopefully we will get a time to sit and try to work through our problems but I don't know... We'll see.

ARGH!

Yeah, yeah I'm alive.

It's been going down the drain between Carl and I. UGH! Today is thursday, I have a board meeting at the kid's daycare and this afternoon is my crafting class. GEEZ! All I want is a break but now this week has been so busy. I seem to be running after time.

Last friday, dh leaves for work at 7am and he comes back saturday at 04:30pm! Do we see a problem here? Of course eby 09:30am on saturday I paged him to see if he was still alive. Hello? Why don't you call your own family!? AnYwAy! Staurday was the day we met 5 years ago, basically what we call our anniversary. 1/ he forgot 2- he lives for the evening "cause the boss needs me!" So sunday being so tired that he is, he sleeps in until 12:30pm. Takes the kids to the park after I blew up in his face. He has taken the kids to the park on his own maybe.... 3 times in 19months?

Monday and tuesday he gets home at 3am and 2am. We are NOT a freakin' hotel Mister. You must call to warn your family that you are not dead when you will miss supper. It's as simple as that, if you work after 6pm, please call home. What boss makes his employees go home at 2-3AM and expect them to be in top shape to work by 7am? That freakin' boss!

Wednesday, well he called to tell me he'd be home early! HUN? Why call to tell me that? LOL! Well as he gets home, I learn that his boss he told him he HAD to go play street hockey, to show good team spirit, blablabla bulls***. As he was waiting for his ride to work I BLEW UP, EXPLODED in his face. What I kept inside for the past year just came back up to be shooted in his face. Yes the HORRID tattoo he got last year on the day of our 4th anniversary, yeah I STILL think it's ugly!!! Yeah, I still think that in your head you act like a college boy, wake up 'Cause you the family man now! Yeah, you, the one that wants to go at it in bed when I just told you that SeX was being put on hold until we resolved our problems. What if I got pregnant? Would you still be there in 9 months!? Ooooooh, I didn't think about that" he says! ARGH! Well start thinking Mister!

So what does he do? He slept at a co-workers place last night! Me like a dumb chick I stayed up to wait for him. I go to sleep at midnight each at every night hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he walks in the house to get in the shower and then to bed. I hate having to tell the kids "Daddy loves you!" 'cause he sure doesn't show it too well, now does he? So I paged him twice this morning! Guess I really wanted to know what's up, hun? Well, he was thinking, that's why he stayed at a friend's house. Well what now? Since you've been thinking, what should I expect?

So he says he realized that he's the source to every fuckin' problem in the house! Oh please, you aren't THAT special, life isn't just surrounded around your little person! Well the call was cut short, seems the guys were waiting after him to go work. How can I expect him to provide for his family when each and every time we get into a fight he disappears and sleeps elsewhere? I told him that, he says he'll call back later on.

Hopefully he won't go out and kill himself! 'cause then what? UGH! Can I go back to sleep? Well, nooooooooo got to wake up the kids, tell them to hurry, hurry get dressed, eat breakfast, mommy neeeds to jump in the shower. We run to daycare then I sit for 3 hours at the board meeting. Got to figure out where to eat lunch with the kids and still have time to have them run around at the park and after 60minutes of this "fun". Gotta go back and run to get to my crafting class on time, sit 3 hours and do "stuff". Get home, exhausted, snap at the kids, if I'm lucky they'll nap. Then as an idiot I'll wait for the call dh will never make.....

Knit on! LOL!