Jo Knits!

XYZ.

You know why I like to take my shower? 'cause I can cry all I want and nobody knows.

Anyway I found an old computer disk with emails I wrote in 1997! WOW! It was soooo weird to read them. It was when I'd go out on wednesday nights at a male stripper club. LOL!!!! Oh dear, reading back these emails made me feel like I was right there and then for a second. I remember those times so clearly and my memories and just like the emails I had written. Oh to go back in time, just for one fun filled evening! ;) I changed though and it would probably be disappointing as I'd expect the same level of fun I used to have. Nowadays it takes only one beer to get me tipsy and back then I'd drink alot and get waaaay tipsy! LOL!

Guess you can't go back in time just for a night. I can't seem to get out of the mommy role I'm now in. Even just for a few hours, I still always think, worry about them. I sure wish I could just relax and think of myself for a while but it's hard when you have 2 depending on you. One day they'll be all grown up and I can return to a male strippers club if I want! HAHAHA!

I wish I had news from Carl... well I don't! Ok, I DO! ARGH! I sorta secretly want to get a sign telling me he's ok. I keep watching the news, just in case. Ideally I'd get a letter in the mail with his key in it, letting me know he's with another woman. LOL! Then I could blame the whole world on her. :P I wish he would write that he loves his kids, so that I could tell them but I can't. Two weeks since he's disappeared and I can't just tell them that daddy loves them 'cause sincerely I don't know!

It's hard to be in this big house that I grew up in and see that I'm now here with my kids and my mom but no boyfriend. Luckily he didn't leave me stranded with a rent somewhere. My mom's rent is more affordable. ;) Why did he leave us? Why on that day? Was it something I said? Probably, since last time I saw him I was in his face BIG time. So I guess it's all my fault but he never said anything. He just left, he must've prepared himself 'cause he probably brought some clothes and his cigar box is missing. I bet I'd find it in a pawn shop. :( My mom and I bought him the cigar box last Christmas. ;(

I'm afraid to call the credit card companies and here that I'm stuck with the bill. I don't want to hear that, I couldn't bear it since most of his purchases I never saw. :( He screwed us big time, he's an awful person. He's the father of my two lovely kids though, I can't believe they'll grow up without knowing there dad. I grew up without a dad, he died when I was nine. It was hard, for my mom and for myself. It took many years before I accepted it, I can only imagine how Zoe and Lucas will feel when they hit the teenager years. They'll shove back in my face how daddy left...

We'll see, I'm young and the future can be a bright place, I still need to "see" that and believe it.

1 hat down, 1 hat to go.

I love knitting!!! :)