July 26, 2005
Tough
Yesterday morning, I left the house to go to school with only one thing in mind. By the end of the day I was going to drop out! Right now I am at the end of my rope, I can't seem to find a balance to find time to study and be with the kids. On sunday I spent the whole afternoon locked up in my room to work on my research. It was awful, I felt bad for not spendng time with the kids and I didn't do half of the work I thought I would.
Although I like my program, I just don't find the time to study, after talking more than 90 minutes with my program supervisor, we came to a conclusion that I may have to accept my lack of time. It is ok to not study as much as the others but my results will show it, the main goal is to pass the course, does it have to be with perfect scores all around? Well knowing this fills me with guilt to no end. I want to do my best and now my best is not needed, it feels odd...
When my school started, I left my knitting group as I knew I wouldn't have time to go to meetings, also since I am easily distracted I knew I'd always want to know what they were up too. Sadly, I also got a lesson in friendships along the way, how easily they end and that saddens me. Once again, I just feel sick by all the pressures and would love to just run away to go knit somewhere. I am guilty with not having time for my kids, my homework, my knitting. I feel pulled in all directions and everyone tells me how hard it is to go back to school, especially when you have kids. NO KIDDING! I can't find time to just be myself. Argh!
Time to start some socks, I need comfort knitting! ;)
Posted by Jo at July 26, 2005 07:31 AM
Take it easy on yourself.... It will all work out in the end. Do some knitting then get back to studying.
I know it's tough to not HAVE to do your best...but for sanity's sake, sometimes you really have to fade back a bit and just do what you can in the time given. The course is not forever, and the kids will forgive you...and you're going to get a good job out of this, which will make you happy. When Maman's happy, everyone's happy... :-)
Hang in there, honey...I miss you but I know you're knock-down-drag-out busy. I'm still with you :-)
But is *will* be your best - the best that you can do given your circumstances. Sure, if you were single and childless you might be able to study more and get higher marks but you're not childless and life has other responsibilities. I think you're doing incredibly well. Though many people do it, I can't imagine going back to school with little kids running around the house. Kudos!!
I agree completely with Lee Ann and Peggy - hang in there! Lāche pas ma belle Jo, on est avec toi :-) xxx
I agree with all the above comments you are too hard on yourself. Relax,take a deep breath, play with your children, then back to studing. Follow your dreams...
I'm sorry to hear about your day. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There were many days I felt the same way. There are people in school who are single and childless and will probably make lower grades - despite the time they can devote wholeheartedly. Know that you are doing your best! You can always go back over the information later on in life. Pass the class with the best grade you can get at the moment- and move on towards that finishing line. Don't you wonder how many doctors pass with a "d" average and are practicing medicine everyday. You'll do great! Play with your babies, study and then go and knit some!
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. At some point, someone fed us the message that we can do it *all*, but we are not super-women - we are just people, and we can only divide ourselve so much and still give that 100%. Le Ann is right - the course is not forever and your kids *will* forgive you. Whatever you decide, just be true to your heart and don't feel guilty. You are only one person and you are doing an awesome job! (((hugs)))
Of course, I must agree with the other comments posted before mine. But I can almost feel your frustration--reality can really be such a downer, at times! On the other hand, I think this is part of the process as an adult student with all those real-life commitments. Don't throw in the towel! Trust me, you'll look back on these moments of aggravation and feel that much better once you reach your goal!
Hey...would I lie? (Well, this time I'm not. Seriously!!)
Jo-- Thats gotta be rough. I had a hard enough time working and going to school without kids! So, I admire you strength and your stamina. Take it one day at a time hun.. You can do it!
Do not stop this !!!! Lee Ann, Kajin and everybody are right - you do this for yourself first - which may seem selfish now - but it will work out for the entire family at the end ! It is only temporary !!! Shhhh! what is it about women and the "Perfection" gene !!!!
Me, too! Add mine to the comments - I think it's fantastic that you are moving forward and getting this schooling. We always seem to expect so much more of ourselves than others do - and sometimes that's not realistic. Do what you can, spend time with your adorable kids and take even a few minutes a day, if that's all you can manage, to knit. (And socks are always a good idea!) Hang in there, Jo!
Hey I'm a little late in here, sorry I've been incredibly busy too. Everyone said the wisest words, I agree with them all. Hang in there!